Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
