No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
