last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
