When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
