Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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