"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
