Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
