The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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