I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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