he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
