Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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