Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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