Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
