The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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