So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
