Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i drank out of a bidet.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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