woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
