I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
