this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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