I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize