I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
