I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
