i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
