There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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