I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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