She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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