I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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