marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize