I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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