I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
