needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We need to get me chipped asap
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