Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
