It's Friday. Sex?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
