Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
