Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it was like his penis was on wheels.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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