My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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