I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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