Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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