i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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