you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
