if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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