Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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