I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
