Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
