dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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