I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
