Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My vagina is officially offended.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
