final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
