listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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