If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Your penis caused this!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
