Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
my being single is dangerous.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
