i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
