we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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