I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
