Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize