oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Sext me about skeletons
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
