i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We're too hungover to prance.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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