Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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