Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
