I wish my penis had an off switch
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
