Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
