She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize